| 3 Wishes - 1st Time |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|08:00 pm] |
I can't help but assume that these will change with time, as my outlook on life has continued to do. So it seems accurate to assume that this won't be the last post of this type. Perhaps I'll begin posting this yearly on new year's. But for now, this moment in time, I need this to be posted here, tonight.
1. I wish that I didn't have to wait any longer to find and unite with that "love for me." She wouldn't have to be perfect, but she'd have to be right. I'm looking for someone who can remind me just how much love I have inside me and produce more from me than I -ever- suspected I had. But barring that, then I'd like one trait from her that I experienced with Becki during our good times. I'd like to have no fear, because no matter what went wrong in my life, she would be there by my side either holding me or telling me things would be okay. And they would be because she was there. As long as that remained true, I'm pretty sure that'd reflect enough love for it the relationship to work.
I no longer really expect her. Mostly because I've learned that things have a tendency not to work out the way I would desire them to, but as long as I'm wishing, and maybe showing a bit of faith, this is my number one.
2. I wish to lock on to a reason to live, and NEVER let it go. I need to practice my arts again and maybe become truly successful at one of them. Regardless, I need to find pride, and find something that makes each day worth existing for. It's time I let go of the depression and the feelings of worthlessness, and make something of me.
3. I wish that every girl I've ever cared for (and failed with) would have the relationship success that Noel found with David, and when they do, that I not get stuck on the past or any bitterness that may have developed, but instead feel nothing but joy for them and let them go.
Of the three wishes, I'm closest on this one. As of currently, there are only two exceptions in one way or another to this wish. Rachael, my most recent girlfriend, I still feel bitterness towards, for a hurt that's petty and that I need to get passed. The second person, Becki, is a girl who, while I can stay out of her life and feel happy for her happiness, I'm not sure I'll ever completely let go of her memory. We couldn't be good together, but it was her whom I've loved the most. I won't interfere in her life (Lord knows she doesn't want me there), but as long as I can occasionally confirm that she's happy, I generally feel better.
I need to truly let her go. That's a goal I'll keep working toward.
I hope by next year around this time, I no longer need these three wishes to be fulfilled. I suppose to sum up, I wish to be able to respect myself in a way I haven't in a long time. It's not likely that the first will come to pass, but I think I can make the other two wishes happen on my own. I -will- grow and I will make things work, not because I'm me (which used to be my reason), but because these things are important to me and I owe them to me.
Otherwise, there really is no point to anything. |
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